The Diets, the Damage and Healing My Relationship With Food in Midlife
Midlife Reflections: Healing My Relationship With Food After Years of Diets
For most of my life, I didn’t think I had an eating disorder. I just thought I’d been on a lot of diets. Healing my relationship with food in midlife has meant looking back and seeing it for what it really was; the obsessive weighing, the extreme restriction, the calorie counting, the shame spiral when I gained a pound or ate something “bad.” The more people praised my shrinking body, the more I craved that validation. And the more damage I did.
Tall = Big: Where It All Began
When I was young, I was always the tallest in my class. And because I was tall, I assumed I was also “big”, which to me meant heavy. I looked around and saw smaller girls and I made the leap that I must be overweight. But looking back at photos now, I wasn’t overweight. I was just tall. That early perception shaped so much of what came next.
University, Babies and the Diet Cycle
In university, it started with Weight Watchers. After each of my three pregnancies, I returned to some version of a crash diet. Eating 900–1000 calories a day, getting B12 shots, working out (sometimes twice a day), cutting out entire food groups. One doctor even told me I still had 20–30 pounds to lose. I was already at my skinniest, and I believed him.
Warning Signs I Ignored
The skinniest I ever was was after my third child was born, in my early 30s, but I always gained the weight back. At one point, I had lost so much weight that my period stopped. I asked my GP about it. He told me that was normal when you lose that much weight and exercise a lot. He even commented on how much weight I had lost and how good I looked. He said it was not something to worry about and it wasn’t unhealthy. And I believed that too. Looking back now, I can’t believe I saw that as healthy. But the truth is, I was so deep in it and the compliments kept coming. If someone had told me to stop, I don’t think I could have. I was chasing approval, not health.
The Diet That Broke Me
For 10 years I went on and off this same crazy limiting diet. I went back to this diet for the last time when I was 42, for my wedding. The plan that consisted of 900 calories a day and weekly vitamin B12 shots at a doctor’s office. But it was different this time, I couldn’t lose the same amount of weight. It was harder. I was exhausted. I was moody. And when the wedding was over, the weight crept back. Again. That last attempt was when I finally began to realize this was a problem. That it was unhealthy. That something had to change.
The Dark Days Still Creep In
Now when I look at photos from those times, I don’t see the fit, radiant woman I thought I was. I see someone sick. Someone depleted. I will be completely honest here; on my darkest days, I still catch myself wanting to be her again, forgetting all the pain it took to get there. Those days don’t last, but they still show up sometimes. And I think it’s important to say that out loud.
I Wish I Had Been Kinder
On the flip side, there are days when I look at old photos from times I thought I was “so overweight” and I realize now that I wasn’t overweight at all. I remember the shame I felt back then, how hard I tried to shrink myself. And looking at those pictures now, I wish I had been kinder to that version of me. She didn’t need to lose weight. She needed compassion.
Healing My Relationship With Food Didn’t Happen Overnight
The truth is, I didn’t start healing my relationship with food until much later in life.
In my 40s and now into my 50s, I’ve finally begun to treat myself with more kindness. I don’t weigh myself anymore and at the doctor’s office, I look away from the scale and tell them why. Because I know how quickly it can spiral. One good day turns into obsession. One bad day into shame.
These days, I focus on nourishment. I eat real food, avoid extremes and try not to fear fruit or carbs or anything that fuels me. I walk every day. I rebound. I lift weights when I can. But I also let myself rest and I don’t beat myself up when I can’t do it all.
One practice that’s really helped me is asking myself: “Would I say this to my kids?” If the answer is no, I try not to say it to myself either. That small pause helps me shift out of criticism and into compassion. Because I would never want my children to talk to themselves the way I used to talk to me.
What I Didn’t Know Then
And here’s the part I didn’t understand until much later, into my 40s actually. I never thought of it as an eating disorder. I just thought I was “really disciplined” or “really committed” to my diets. But looking back… the extreme restriction, the obsession with the scale, the fear of food; it was all there. It took my own kids pointing to old photos and saying, “Mom, you didn’t look healthy,” for me to see it.
Why I’m Sharing This
I’m sharing this not because everyone will relate to every detail, but because I think a lot of women will recognize themselves in parts of it. Maybe it wasn’t full-blown disordered eating, but if you’ve spent years thinking your worth was tied to your weight… or if you’ve punished yourself with food rules in the name of “health”… then you know that struggle.
And maybe for you it hasn’t been food at all. Maybe it’s the way you speak to yourself in the mirror. The guilt you carry for not doing more. The story you tell yourself about what makes you enough.
And now in midlife, through menopause, body changes and the grief of who we used to be. I want to help women find their way back to feeling strong, at peace, confident, nourished. Not punished. Not obsessed. Just whole.💛
If you’re navigating these midlife changes too, this page on menopause shares simple shifts that helped me feel more grounded in my body again.
P.S. If you’ve spent years trying to shrink yourself physically or emotionally, I hope this post reminded you that you’re allowed to feel whole again. If you’re ready to reconnect with your body in a way that’s gentle, mindful and not about restriction,
💛 The Empowered Midlife Tracker is a beautiful place to begin.
